wellz.. thx everyone for cheering me up n everything.. perhaps my luck may not be tt good.. but no matter how bad it is.. one thing for sure.. i really have lots of great friends ard me.. without you all.. perhaps i might end up crying at my bed every night..without you all.. i might not have picked myself up within a few days.. i don't deny tt till now, im still slightly affected by it.. cos i really love it n if i can really forget abt everything and move on within a day.. im not a human i guess.. hahaz.. i'm sad because its something worth to be sad of..i think..
currently im doin this data entry job... wellz.. mundane.. very numb to wat im doing..starting to have a phobia for excel..i really don't enjoy this.. and i really need something outdoor... but wellz.. the pay is good..n its a good chance for me to make up for wat i've spent in shanghai.. so i shall stay on.. nex week will be the release of results.. nt hoping much cos once again i understand tt by aiming too high up there.. the harder u'll feel the impact when u drop.. k.. im just a coward..somebody who is scared of failure? but seriously.. i do not have good feelings abt this and i really trust my senses.. so someone just tell me im wrong k...
for those who wonder why suddenly im looking for a job..perhaps after reading this u all will noe...
wellz.. the past weekend was really like a roller coaster ride.. for those who know.. i went for that 2 day camp .. it was really a very very memorable camp for me.. cos we get to walk thru tt canal to this super ulu 'island'.. then bashing and stuff.. especially during the bashing part.. at first i was quite worried tt i could not work with joanna(this ger from the other grp).. who knows.. we work quite well together and she really took care of me at that time..when i fell down at the canal.. she walk back to hold on to my hand.. making sure tt i wun fall again..when our tents got ants all over.. we shared this small lean-to shelter together.. then also got to know new frens like weilie..he's really one person who can take care of pple.. tho sometimes complain complain.. but in the end he still take up the responsibility to do the things we are supposed to do.. a caring fren i can say.. cos when i miss my footing during the bashing part.. he kept on asking whether i sprain my leg.. then he'll say when i fall must tell him he'll go there n cushion(haha..crazy lah..he is like so skinny...55 kg onli n im like 80?cannot find him if i ever fall on him)..but nevertheless.. quite grateful and happy to get to know this grp of pple.. especially in the nite.. when we played murderer.. it was really very fun.. slowly.. i felt that the barrier between the two grps is disappearing.. they are a grp of nice peeps.. felt no pressure at all mixing with them..its the first time tt i got to set up my own fire successfully and cook my noodles.. cos tt time it rained after my fire was set up.. then the sec day.. when our morale was quite low.. the instructors sort of scolded us..reminding us to keep our cool during these situations.. after tt.. everyone just become so motivated again and start to do everything properly.. the feeling is like.. we are a team.. and at tt moment i was abit touched.. like see how each of us motivate each other..then break camp.. was thinking.. how nice will it be to work together as a team.. work in the camps.. all these memorable moments tt we can spend together...
then.. sunday.. clarice told me that the list is out.. and im not inside.. at tt moment.. i felt very lost.. we continued to shop.. and suddenly.. i just cried out.. it was the first time since sec 4 tt i last cried in the public.. i can say tt i was very stunned... because nobody told me tt they are not taking all of the pple who went for the training.. suddenly.. what i've planned for this hols..became bubbles that is so fragile that within seconds.. they disappear in the air..
i missed the nite cycling(tyy's bdae) cos of training the next day, i missed the chance goin to joy's hse, i missed the chance of appealing for intersem so tt i can have a lighter load nex sem, i missed the chance of admin work of high pay just to make time for the camps, i told my frens that im very happy doing this, i told my mom that i enjoy what im doing, i told my frens that who knows i may choose to b working in camps after i graduate, i told my frens that i wun b free for the whole of nex mth, i told myself tt i've got myself a diff job from the other admin office jobs, i told myself that i found a new passion besides my fav vball, i was the one who was the most determined that i'll continue with the camps, i love the nature, i love the sense of achievement when you can start your own fire and cook ur own food, i love the trips to nature parks, i wan to play with the kids,i wan to work together with my frens no matter they are new ones or old ones, i love the feeling of sleeping in your own shelter, i love the feeling of seeing things from a different perspective, i love the bashing part tho now my legs are full of scars cos as gers who din go thru army its not tt easy for us to have this chance to get so close to nature...
perhaps u all think that im very self centred because of all those I I I from the previous paragraph.. but that was really what went thru my mind, that's why i cried. it happen so fast that i was quite stunned..i don't know.. from qx.. they mention tt i was quite quiet.. ok.. i admit tt i am someone who heat up very slowly.. but.. they also say that i seem to be very da xiao jie.. tt i dun wanna get dirty.. cannot tahan this n tt.. i felt so wronged.. of all the things that they can say abt me..but im very sure that i was more dirty than any other gers there.. thruout my life.. i m never that particular abt cleaniness.. especailly in camps.. who will get out clean from camps.. felt very disappointed cos they really din see what i've done..
maybe what ah lim say is true.. in vball.. u did shouted 'let go' but as long as the person did not hear u.. it means that u have not shouted let go.. so now.. im in this situation.. i do things.. but when they never see anything.. that means i din do them.. and it happens so tt what they see are what i did wrong..
i really hate this feeling.. giving pple the wrong impression of me.. from young.. just that i'm taller bigger in size, talk louder, pple tot tt im the big bully.. bullying pple.. ba4 dao4.. egoistic.. but actually im just a shy person who do not know how to express myself.. perhaps u think tt im self centred.. i felt tt pple always do not see what ive done(of cos those tt are close and understands me will noe but those tt are slightly not tt close fails to see).. when a grp of pple are doin well.. i will not go in and disturb them cos they are doin well already.. unless i felt tt there's a need for me to come out.. i do not want to mess everuthing up.. but still behind the scene.. i will do my best.. like wat a supporting actor is doin.. so does tt mean tt i lack the initiation? i lack the leadership? i don't know.. until i do not know myself.. again.. pple show me tt wat they think of me is not the way i think of myself.. so which is the real me? the way pple see me or the way i see myself?..wellz.. lost.. hurt.. disappointed.. sad.. all the bad feelings.. din noe tt this will make me tt sad.. so somehow im not a strong person i used to think tt im.. im not tt open tt i used to think i m...
and so.. i left the yahoo grps of the camp.. perhaps heaven has its own arrangement for me..
haha..dun think i have the time to write down the rest of the trip... have been quite tired recently.. after i came back.. the past two days had been training for the kids camp thingy.. thurs we went labrador park to take a walk and learnt how to build the different shelters.. then fri we went to the empty ground near guoliang's hse to practise setting up fire n cooking.. had a hard time setting the fire cos i think i still cannot get the technique to blow oxygen inside.. it was quite tiring lohz... cos it had been raining these few daes then the ground become very muddy.. so most of the time we have been squatting down to do everything.. worst is when we have to blow air inside.. have to lean near the ground and blow.. but it was quite fun lah.. especially durig the opening of can session.. cos only ben hasn't tried tt b4.. so all of us tried to mislead him..to make him as blur as possible.. evil.. hahaz.. but very shuang.. especially when we see his blur face... too bad.. it began to rain suddenly.. so din managed to cook our orange egg.. boohoo... think i need more practice for the fire part...
then.. without much rest.. today went sch to play vball with 66 peeps.. tho only 7 pple.. but i think tt today its quite ok lah.. actually im quite grateful for them being so sporty.. cos normally if left so few pple.. they may sian diao or play other ball games.. but still we managed to play until 12.. so after washing up.. went to coro ke ai ji.. haha.. really lots of memories over there..then went to sixth avenue's coffee bean to nim kopi with mich jeremy, zhiping and zhongjie.. haha.. was quite shocked tt we can actually sit down and talk abt the past.. of cos some updates.. haha.. and this combi is abit not the same as last time.. haha.. i do enjoy myself tt time lah..tho half of the time i was nuaing at the side.. cos i'm so so tired! tt's wat classmates shud do when we gather.. haha.. sit down talk and noe wats happening to each other's life.. dun see us doing tt back tt time.. haha.. so... does tt show tt we've grown up? hahah.. i do miss them i realise.. hahaz...
this is a shop for showing those old old videos.. pple watch thru the holes(the one tt is at the bottom centre)... the pple there are so enthu lohz.. they really jump on the seats to watch.. hahaz
this is the place where all the stones can be pictured as lions.. haha.. how many u see really depends on ur imagination.. but the max they say is abt 900 there